Until about a month ago I never would have labeled myself a victim. And if anyone suggested I was a victim, I may have vehemently proclaimed my personal strength and turned the tables, spouting their victim mentality. Oh yeah, I’m rubber, you're glue! Little did I know, inside was a scared, guilt-filled, finger-pointing fool.
For as long as I can remember, I have lacked self-love or belief in my own abilities but have been a master at projecting a sense of strength, bravery, and worth to the outside world. I am a woman. We all deal with this. But what I didn’t know was this lack of self-love was manifesting as a victim mentality under the surface.
I don’t love myself and I will use any set of circumstances I can to blame someone or something else for this fault in myself. I've lived among a vast list of reasons, a slave justifying why I wasn’t successful in business and in life in general.
I did everything in my past relationship so I didn’t have any time. Then I experienced a harrowing break-up so I didn’t have any energy. I decided to build a house so I complained about not having any money. And now my new relationship has growing pains so, again, I am drained of energy.
Poor, poor, pitiful me.
I kept telling myself, “If only I had the time, the energy, the money, the right guy, etc. If only – then everything would be okay!” I was blaming my family, my friends, my dog, the traffic – anything I could – for my lack of success. It was everyone else’s fault I wasn’t pursuing my dreams and my happiness and I didn’t even see it.
I am a victim.
I decided I needed help. I opened up about these feelings with those closest to me and was met with utter disbelief. Even after explaining wholeheartedly that I do have a problem with self-love, I was still not taken seriously. The conversation would shut down. No one knew what to say. I had projected strength so well I should’ve gotten an award. I have been left feeling alone and overwhelmingly misunderstood. I thought I was destined for a life of being a sounding board for others with no one available to really listen to me. My belief was confirmed. I am not worthy of love and I began over-feeding the victim inside.
I didn’t expect a business lecture about wealth building would gift me an A-ha moment. The concept introduced was something I had never seen before and touched directly on my destructive beliefs surrounding money. Six levels to building wealth were discussed and each was paired with an emotional characteristic: Victim, Survivor, This, This, This and This. It wasn’t until they went into depth about each stage that I started to realize they were describing me as a Victim. I blame, I don’t value myself or my work… oh my goodness. I couldn’t believe it! As I sat with this revelation I was overwhelmed with a sense of relief. I finally had a name and a definition, and I could clearly see how I was getting in my own way. Only know I was beginning to see the steps I needed to take to choose, every day, to get out of it. I was given the power to take responsibility for my life and it was freeing.
I am strong, brave, sassy and loved. Repeat.
Confessing I’m a victim is not a typical secret. It is a silent, clever secret that so many of us believe and can carry our whole lives – hidden away, leaving us alone – if we allow it. But calling this out in myself, and sending it into the online universe, has been another step of healing. I know my journey into abandoning my victim mentality is just beginning but Spirit leads us when we are ready and I have never felt more empowered and prepared for the next chapter.
Read more confessions from anonymous contributors.